Oh, what a heartwarming tale of morality and virtue we have here. Gather ’round, folks, as we dive into the heartwarming saga of FTX stock exchange and its founder, the beacon of ethical excellence, Sam Bankman-Fried.
Yes, in the grand city of New York, the hallowed halls of justice are graced with the presence of Caroline Ellison, who has come to testify about the bankruptcy of the illustrious FTX. Hold onto your hats, dear readers, because there are some shocking revelations about Sam Bankman-Fried’s commitment to honesty and integrity.
But really, it’s probably for the best that we all just put this entire FTX soap opera behind us. I mean, who needs a functioning stock market anyway? Sam’s likely heading to a luxurious prison, and the crypto world can now embark on its journey to healing, guided by the light of such virtuous leaders.
Now, let’s talk about the trial of the century, where Sam Bankman-Fried is defending his unblemished reputation. And who do we have on the stand? Why, it’s Caroline Ellison, Sam’s ex-girlfriend and the head trader at FTX, or should we say, Alameda Research. She was right in the thick of Sam’s business, both personally and professionally. I mean, who could be more qualified to spill the beans on Sam’s altruistic endeavors than his ex?
The defense, of course, seized this golden opportunity. Sam’s lawyer cunningly accused Caroline of being the mastermind behind all the turmoil at Alameda Research. According to them, Bankman-Fried was just an innocent bystander, forced to respond to the chaos that was totally Caroline’s doing. And naturally, Caroline accepted this blame with open arms, or should I say, open statements.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the portrait of a stock exchange that operated with the utmost respect for the law, and a founder who thought of himself as a savior of the world. Sam’s personal creed was simple: “Lying and cheating are A-OK as long as it serves a good cause.” After all, the only moral rule that truly mattered to him was “maximum utility.” Move over, Mother Teresa, Sam’s in town.
According to Caroline, when she started at Alameda, she had no clue that she would one day dabble in cooking the books and misappropriating customer deposits. But lo and behold, she adapted to her surroundings, like a true MIT graduate who had her ethics finely honed.
The tales of their ethical escapades are endless. When Alameda’s funds were stuck on Chinese exchanges, they went to great lengths to free them, even resorting to using Thai prostitutes’ documents. When that didn’t work, FTX generously offered a bribe. A heartwarming story of perseverance and creativity, really.
But wait, there’s more. The misappropriation of customer funds is perhaps the most touching part of this saga. Caroline openly admitted that FTX used customers’ deposits to pay off loans, and she was constantly on edge, fearing a bank run.
Out of the $12 billion in customer deposits, only $4 billion remained. The rest, well, that went to Alameda Research or was generously loaned to Sam, who used it to acquire real estate in the Bahamas and invest in various other noble causes.
Oh, and Sam had some charming hidden agendas. He wanted to “encourage” regulators to take stricter action against Binance because, well, that would surely be the best way to increase FTX’s market share. Apparently, discussions with U.S. regulators promised just that, but it was all a pipe dream.
And let’s not forget his dreams of buying SNAP, Snapchat’s parent company, and collecting money from Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman. Clearly, a man with his priorities straight.
So, in essence, Caroline and Sam had a grand old time. She had to lie, embezzle, and live in constant fear of the impending financial apocalypse. But hey, all in the name of achieving Sam’s noble goals, right?
In Sam’s grand vision, he aspired to be the President of the United States. He calculated a whopping five percent chance of that happening. But even before that, he generously donated money he didn’t have (thanks, customers) to causes he deemed more important. Isn’t that the very definition of selflessness?
But fear not, dear readers, for Caroline found solace when FTX finally crumbled in 2022. It was a week of unspeakable horrors, she claims, but also a colossal relief. Finally, the era of deceit was over. Or was it?
Now, it’s up to the court to decide if this is just another layer of deception or if Caroline is truly the victim of Sam’s noble ambition. After all, what’s a little market manipulation among friends, right?